Conversation Between Bret Stephens and Gail Collins

Bret Stephens: Please don’t tell me you’re going to ask about my voting intentions.

Gail Collins: Well, Bret, what would make you think I would do that? It’s just that I keep getting approached by people on the street who are eager to know if you’ll be supporting Kamala Harris. I’m not exaggerating. Come on, just give us a hint!

Bret: You truly want to know my thoughts?

Gail: Absolutely, yes!

Bret: Kicking and screaming, I’ll cast my ballot for Harris. Honestly, I’d prefer to avoid participating in Election Day altogether. However, the events of January 6th and the entire saga of election denialism are simply unforgivable. As my friend Richard North Patterson often states, “Donald Trump is literally bleeping crazy.” The chaos that follows this kind of mentality brings forth figures like JD Vance, who, in my opinion, is even worse than Trump. He’s equally cynical but possesses twice the intellect. Moreover, this madness also ushers in personalities like Tucker Carlson and the Hitler defenders he chooses to amplify.

Gail: Alright, I need to take a moment to run up to the roof and celebrate. Be right back!

Bret: Well …

Gail: Did you hear that, all you who dislike everyone? If Bret can manage to vote for Kamala, then surely you can too!

Bret: For me, it’s a 99.999 percent vote against Trump and only a 0.001 percent vote in favor of Harris.

Gail: To strengthen your argument, could you provide a brief list of the aspects that concern you the most about your new choice for the presidency?

Bret: If the G.O.P. had nominated Nikki Haley, Ron DeSantis, or Doug Burgum, I would have felt compelled to vote Republican. I might have even considered Tim Scott; that’s the extent of my reluctance to support her.